14 thoughts on “When Self Confidence is More Important than Obedience

  1. Eleanor says:

    Hi, Alaina. Your writing is absolutely wonderful and to the point and expresses everything I want to teach to my young women. Lately I’ve been struggling to voice my thoughts on why young women should dress modestly without making it about body shaming or slut shaming and without implying that girls who don’t dress modestly are worth any less or have any less respect for themselves. All the lessons I received on modesty as a young woman always came back to ‘so we don’t give boys impure thoughts’ and ‘because boys don’t like girls that dress that way’.

    As a beehive, I cared a lot about what boys thought about me, and the lesson hit home, but as a mia maid I lost interest in being what boys wanted me to be, and as a laurel I realized that I and other young women deserved an explanation that didn’t reduce us the way boys thought about us and the way we dressed. I love the way you address other topics such as this and your approach to keeping the law of chastity and I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts on how modesty should be talked about to the youth.


  2. Melissa says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I wish I’d had this lesson as a child.
    You bring to mind my daily gayer at age five.
    Each day before school I would comb her hair into two ponytails and tie them with ribbon.
    Each day when I picked her up from school her hair would look beyond unkempt.
    Each day she’d tell me a girl she sat with at lunch would take her ribbons out.
    While I do not believe there were sexual components, I de believe her personal space was invaded and she was unable to properly defend herself. We spent a lot of time practicing saying “no” and I also discovered that she was inept–at best–at this skill.
    We continue to practice standing up for ourselves in a variety of situations. It is still a challenge for her. But, SO much progress has been made.
    I hope she finds the wherewithal to stand up for herself should it be needed.
    Thank you for sharing this topic. It is needed.


  3. rainsplats says:

    Please consider that this is short sighted. We teach girls that sexual things are disgusting because it keeps them on the safe path ’til marriage.
    It also leaves our men ripe for porn addictions, plants dead bedrooms to rip apart marriages, leads to incompatibility and divorce.
    Real empowerment would teach her to speak up for herself without demonizing sex. Without squashing feelings she may have, without training her free agency right out of her. Real empowerment would also be sex positive. The ability to procreate AND deeply connect with our eternal companion is our most God-like attribute and we train our youth to find it disgusting ‘to keep them safe’. We should rethink that.


    • Alaina says:

      Hi Rachel, I’m not sure where you got this shaming message out of the essay, but I absolutely agree with you! No shaming allowed. If you read the Chastity lesson linked in this post, or especially the Young Men’s version, you’ll see that I think we should teach kids what a great and connecting thing sex is – and that it’s worth protecting, in ways described in this article as well as that lesson.


  4. jonathan nicholson says:

    excellent .Everyone has a right to not allow anyone to be in their space without permission. Nothing closer than arms length. I taught this for several years in my equine assisted psychotherapy sessions. The horses are an excellent tool to teach boundaries and safety. They convey easily understood boundaries in a non-threatening way. This was very beneficial to a and D clients as well as abused clients whether physical, sexual, regardless of age.
    Keep up your great work.


  5. Judy says:

    Saving. I wish I’d read this long ago. I like your encouragement to learn to be snarky. I finally did, but I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I’d practiced years ago. Thank you. I can’t change what happened in the past, but this helps me see it in a completely different light. Maybe I’ll finally let go of some unwarranted guilt. Bless you.


  6. Kendall says:

    *mic drop*
    You are amazing. This is such a necessary dialogue! Thanks for helping give us parents the tools to teach and train our girls and boys to stand up for their bodies.


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