Is there such thing as an original thought? I’m full of thoughts, bursting with them actually, and when I want to share them, I get tangled up in a web of thinking things like “well, that thought was actually inspired by Brad telling me about that book he read…” or “even though I think/feel this strongly, I’m also very aware that I don’t know everything.” Can one write thoughts about thoughts? [What about thoughts inspired by books one hasn’t even read? Ha.] Can one publish thoughts with full right to edit or change positions as more insight is gained?
If I can get over those mental hurdles, then I get caught up in feeling silly sharing personal thoughts (including thoughts about other people’s thoughts.) And silly about baring so much of myself publicly. Let’s be honest, we all want everyone to like us. (Maybe that’s mostly me?) To some, I’d appear too conservative and old fashioned. To others, I’d be way too out there and liberal. Could that hurt my career, or the treatment program I’ve built? Could it hurt my friendships? It might harm my church community acceptance, which would also spill over onto my children. And it might lead people in any arena to write me off at first impression.
It also feels a little self-serving to post things on the WORLD WIDE WEB, sort of like saying “Hey guys, look at me, I’m so smart/have things so figured out that you should listen to me.” Because ultimately, I’m a pretty humble and private person… who is also dying to connect with others at deep levels. It’s a major paradox. I abhor small talk and groups and forced social polite conversation. I crave quality and the sorts of talks that start with “This might be an awkward question, but…” Those conversations are delightful. That’s the style of writing I wish I were brave enough to share.
I also ask myself what my purpose is for posting. I don’t want to be a blogger. I don’t want to play the networking game and drive traffic for ads or any personal gain. I don’t want to worry about deadlines and generating material for consistent posts, or consistent format or even a consistent theme. Spirituality? Mental Health? Biology? Parenting? Relationships? Reposts of other articles I want to remember? Sure. All of it. The more I learn, the more every truth is connected anyway, and I’d love to weave a web of my truths and the other bread crumbs I find along the way.
Despite my vulnerability fears I just can’t shake the idea; something in me needs a place to gather and share beautiful or interesting things. I’d like a collection of my thought journeys. After this compelling desire->fear->silence cycle for nearly 10 years, I guess I need to try it.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve written an explanatory essay exactly like this one when I was ready to finally start sharing.
Maybe this time I’ll just push post, and then pony up some of the essays I’ve been hoarding in my own little safe zone.
Or maybe I’ll delete this tomorrow when I get afraid again. Let’s see.
photo from Ocean Isle Beach, NC. Just returned from vacation, which is probably why I’m feeling more brave than usual.